Speed Dating

by jseddon89


There is a lot of pressure on the humans of today, especially the younger generations. In a vastly competitive world, there are certain goals you are expected to hit, by a certain time to be accepted into the warm embrace of society. This post is going to touch on just one of these elusive achievements. Relationships.
Recently a friend of mine, who has been in a happy, loving relationship for numerous years came out with the line.

“You’re not getting any younger, isn’t it time you at least tried to find someone.”

Being a twenty-four year old happily single male, I was quite taken aback by this unintentional (hopefully) insult. First of all, I wasn’t aware that twenty-four meant that I was almost over the hill? and secondly, I am fortunate enough to have been blessed with a baby face, even if it is hidden under a vast forrest of facial hair. However, it seems that until I am in a committed relationship I can not unlock the achievement and advance socially.

I left my friend in a slightly pensive mood, thinking, would I be like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill? His friends trying to set me up with their work colleagues, or distant friends who, ‘You will simply love!’ Unfortunately I am not blessed with the divine, floppy hair, and endearing accent Mr Grant possess’, also I don’t trust my friends to let them set me up on a blind date.

So, with that in mind I took it upon myself to be a bit more proactive in the search for love, up until know I believed that you didn’t find love, love found you. However, with my impending expiry date I thought ‘bugger it’ love I am coming for you, and when I find you, I will wrestle you into a sweet submission, take you tenderly in my arms, and never let go. A bit like Rose and Jack in the Titanic.

I started to rack my brains on where I could potentially find the love of my life. The bar? A museum? A concert? Starbucks? All these places are viable options, but, whats the likelihood of running into numerous single ladies in a museum? And whats the likelihood of anyone wanting to converse in conversation with some stranger with cupid sat on his shoulder? I had to maximise my chances of finding ‘the one’. So.. I signed up to speed dating.

Having 15 four minute mini dates, sharing the uncomfortable realisation that in fact you were speed dating, fuck yeah! I’m down for that. Research was extensive..typing into Google; ‘speed dating venues near me.’ I was surprised to find a fair few hits, how did I not know about this apparent thriving community of singletons? I clicked on the first link, paid my fee to participate, thew on my best denim shirt, and unbelievably skinny jeans, wrote the address down, and headed out the door, ready to fall in love.

The event was at 7pm on the other side of London, I did not take into consideration that it was rush hour, and summer. Not knowing where I was going, I got off the tube two stops too early, which meant I had to run, ask for directions, and get very sweaty. Great start.
Arriving, rocking the ‘i’ve just been furiously masturbating’ sweaty look I had but a few minutes to compose myself before the leader/cult master of the evening gave us the run down on proceedings. Scanning the area, scoping out my potential life partner, an overwhelming urge to cause some mischief came over me. I was going to have some fun this evening.

I like to think that I possess some acting skills, and tonight I was going to put these skills into play. twenty-four is bloody young, I travel too much to hold down any kind of relationship, and I genuinely enjoy being single. How did I let my friend manipulate my mind like Derren Brown, the arse. Tonight, I wasn’t going to find love, tonight I was going to pull on the veil of my many different alter egos.

Heres how it went down…

Date 1:

Girl: “Hey, i’m (insert female name here) what do you do?
Boy: “Hello, I’m Joe. I’m a fortune cookie writer.
Girl: “ Oh..wow, like where do you do that?
Boy: “Well I usually work from home, but sometimes when they are low I head into the restaurants and work out in the back.”
Girl: “That’s so awesome! How did you get into that?
Boy: “2 year college diploma”

GONG. Next date.

Date 2:

Girl: “So what do you do?”
Boy: “I’m the youngest child surgeon here in London, i’ve actually just come from surgery now. I know its hard to believe, but it was dress down Friday at work, so thats why I am wearing my jeans.
Girl: “That’s a load of bullshit.”
Boy: “Well this is going to be an awkward 3 minutes.”

Throughout the course of the evening I played the roles of; Teacher, farmer, spirit medium, dog whisperer, and a social recluse who was forced here by his mother otherwise I wouldn’t get my inheritance.

At the end of the evening, you score your dates, and then tick a box indicating whether you would like to meet and converse where you aren’t limited to four minutes, or not. The results are sent to you in an email. I got 6 out 15. Not too bad if I don’t say so myself! The women who called me out on being a surgeon was, unfortunately, not one of them. Shame.

Even though I didn’t find love during my time speed dating, I would highly recommend it. It is a great way to meet people, have awkward four minute conversations, and you do get a free beer on entry. Great success.